LAPOOR

the whole world (current) to do list:

• set table
• clean nicole’s room
• print self deal
• talk to parents about college stuff
• (tomorrow english shit)
• watch lady gaga video
• charge ipod
• give lily 5$
• clean my own freaking room
• burn nico a cd
• sbj
• finish website (WTFWTFWTFWTFWTF)
• print out thing in color
• work on my own art stuff
• write some letters maybe?
• i donno
• more photographs
• think about things
• NEW JOURNAL!!!!

college to do list:

• self deal
• find/staple essay to it
• turn in trailblazer
• give teachers reccommendations
• deal w/ checklists etc..fhsdjk
• talk to parents
• write all tha freakin’ essays
• get portfolio together for portfolio reviews
• keep drawing and sheesh
• finish my website!!!!!!
• pick good photos (AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!) (figure out what i’m all about/what i want to say/what photos best say it/etctetctetctet/stupidstupidstupid/whydon’t iknow this already?!?!?what’s wrong with me)
• send portfolios?
• home tests?
• pay/send apps.
• durrrrr

just dumb/random thoughts

people keep freakily amazing me! i prefer the alexander mcqueen from side angles more than from the front. sergiyole’s photos make me fall in love with shapeless, frigid, dull, limp clothing just when i start to think that’s the kind i hate the most. f the world on senior skip day when i also have to go to english class. i thought you had turned into a bug this morning and i already squashed you, mister! conversation is stupid. always feeling pressured to say stuff makes me stupid. going to make a point of watching the lady gaga video on youtube tomorrow during class. i hope there will be a bonfire tomorrow. and i can’t wait ‘till saturday. and i’m pretty dang inspired, but can’t do shit ‘till i get into college, so i better concentrate on that more. i love tumblr because sometimes when i’m reading people’s thoughts i don’t even need to listen to music because there’s already so much in my mind. and it’s like reading people’s separate journals right as they put pen to paper in relation to everyone else’s journals. and i love journals. think of being someone from the past and wondering if that would ever be possible. just getting excited about the idea, but knowing it would never happen. i do that. okay bye.

I’d just like to say that your photos are like your personality- bitchin’ cool, brudda. I really like how you’re not pretentious and all that shit even though you’re talented in both photography and painting and you know it. I get so annoyed with all these people around me on flickr and tumblr who try so hard to be meaningful, emotional, and powerful through their work, and you are all of the above, but effortlessly. The way you write your posts on tumblr in such a candid, real manner is brilliant. You say it like it is. I like that.

you know what? you fucking rule. i really fucking needed that. (i really appreciate it) i’ve been blaming myself for REALLY DUMB STUFF in the past day and this made me feel a ton better… you are very cool. who are you? who are all you people?!! K! J:!K i love that people want to just write namelessly about really important things. i kind of want to do that now… just to get a load of shit off my chest… i dunno where

some formspring

answered some formsprings during the commercials tonight:
i hope these responses help you guys that wrote about issues

DUDE. 

I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND 

WE”RE ALREDY HOOKED ON FLICKR FACEBOOK TUMBLR WHAHAH! 

whut do wee dooo??!!1
i really don’t even know. if you want to be my friend you gotta be direct. i don’t even care. i’m the kind of person who won’t think that’s weird. and you’re probably not so freaking random if we are already hooked on all those places. (ps is this lily? ljfhafhj lol)

hayhayhayhayhayhayhayhay

I’m bored because school is boring

do you check this ever? I don’t think you do.

This is not very exciting. I’m switching to all caps.

LOAL LOAL LOAL LOAL HAY GURLNCJEIXKMTHYD I JUST TYPED THAT HUNT AND PECK STILE LOL STILE NOT STYLE WHAT IS THIS AGH.

TODAY I REALIZED EDDIE COSTRESKI LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE JOHN CUSACK. HE DOES. IT IS TRUE. EDDIE COSTRESKI EDDIE COSTRESKI AAAIIIIIEEEEE YOU ARE THE BOMB. 

GUESS WHO THIS IS

FAIRY PRINCESS? NOOO.

COW? NOOOOOOOO.

LIGGYDIGGY? NOOOOO NONOOOOOO.

EDDIE COSTRESKI? I FUCKIN’ WISH.

LEALZ? UHHHH UMMMM WHAT? NO. WHAT? HUH? NO. UHHHH.

DO I HAVE A LIMIT ON CHARACTERS? PROBS NOT.

I’M SO FUCKIN BORED.

WHAT SHOULD I DO. HOW ABOUT PLAY BUBBLESHOOTER. OK I WILL. BYE.
ur nErDy@ @@@@@@!!!! ewps/.. that’s all i gotta say/. and yes eddie rules. aaand i hope you had fun playing bubble shooter. fun stuff. i am going to watch snl soon. i owe your fambly 5 dollars. call me whenever. fix it. do it. fix it. oh i hope this snl will be soooo goood. ps go look at my facebook pro pic and then you will laugh infinitne. ps the sea of shoes gurl has a cool blog, you will see i just posted a bunch of photos from there, kewl !  !J:K !J c u

Lauren your my favorite artist
that is weird for me to believe. but really really really nice if it is true. because i always think i am the only one seeing what i see in my stuff that i do… thanks for saying it

I’m so afraid that this will all end soon and I will be a mess. I don’t know why I am thinking about all this right now. But I have to talk to someone about it. Love, I mean
you don’t know why you are thinking about it right now? maybe there is a reason? think about it for a little. if there is a reason why maybe you can bring it up with the person you love. is it a person? i don’t know. if there’s no reason and you’re just thinking about it… well, it might be natural to feel like a mess. i think you should try to resolve any problems as much as possible if/when it ends so that you’re not feeling as bad about it. also, are you afraid that you will stop loving? or that someone will stop loving you and you will have to force yourself to stop loving. they are both really hard. i would just try to resolve as much as i could which takes some leaps of faith. it’s hard, but it helps me have less regret about anything and leaves me feeling like less of a mess. i don’t know it any of this helped or not. i’m glad you could talk about it though… i know how that is. oh, and is there anything that could help to take away your fear? like talking to anyone in particular about anything in particular? or something like that? i dunno again, just think about it! good luck… 

im in love with being in love and i dont have anyone to fall in love with that won’t totally crush my heart into 10299384893 pieces. just saying.
i can relate. that’s coincidental. it’s pretty much a big fucking dilemma and it sucks. take a break from people that can kick your heart in and fall in love with art or music or something. or meet new people. or something. yah, it’s hard thought right?

Hey your cool and take amazing photos.
thanks. it’s nice to hear someone thinks that… of course you probably don’t know me… but yeah i like to believe that. haha.

I’m a mess. An absolute and total fucking mess. Oh my goddddd. Oh and guess why? Damn right its boy trouble.



So I like this boy. Lets call him X. X is cool as shit and is pretty much me in boy form but he lives an hour away and we wont see each other until we are both done school in June. I’m fucked. Why is that? Because I somehow managed to fall in love with X. And I’m not saying ohh hes so hawwt I love him. Like actual, I’m with other boys and can’t think of anyone but him and he wont get out of my dreams and every time someone texts me I hope its him and when its not I feel my heart sink into my spleen and I feel like crying because I can’t stand being away from the guy. IM FUCKED. Oh and why else am I fucked? His best friend likes me. His best friend who I am not interested in AT ALL, actually.



WHAT THE FUCK.
boy trouble. people sometimes say this like it’s not a huge thing. but yeah it really is sometimes. well, firstly, if his best friend likes you, who cares? i don’t think you really should. i mean, that really sucks for him, but if you don’t like him, then what’s the point in thinking about it when you’ve got so much else to think about? why can’t you see each other until then? is it really impossible? i’m sorry if it is. if it’s not, you should try to organize something. ( he lives only an hour away right? no possible meet up until june? hfjkhfs;a?) do you know if he likes you back? that might help you feel better. just to know. or maybe it’s the type of thing where you just need to be around him more to figure all that out? yeah, i really know nothing about your guyses relationship of course, but i guess that’s all something to think about? it really does suck though. it’s horrible to really like someone and not have anything coming back. i guess just try to keep your friendship up… and then you can surely see him and try to figure it out? i probably have a really skewed perspective on all this formspring stuff though because i really don’t know all of the details. so i hope that helped even a bit and i hope things work out for you soon.


my grandfather died two weeks ago. i knew it was coming. in september, my mom told me she was flying out, back to her home in asia to be with him in his sickness. i found out soon after that my grandfather was dying of stomach cancer, and there was no chance he would survive. i watched as two of my brothers- my youngest, who last saw my grandfather when he was two, and my oldest, who could legally accompany my other brother on the flight home so that my mom could stay longer then them, and my brother’s wouldn’t have to miss too much school.

i talked to my mom on skype while she was there. she told us how happy my grandfather was to see my brothers, and how my grandfather, who was forgetting people he knew for his entire life, remember my other brother, who stayed at home with me, from his last trip to asia three years ago. i hadn’t seen my grandpa for eight years, and should’ve expected this, but it was at this moment when i realized that he didn’t remember me. my uncle quickly chimed in, “and you too!” to make it seem like my grandpa remembered me, but i knew it was a lie.

and, the truth is, i didn’t remember him either. it’s been eight years since i visited, and three years since his last birthday call. in all honestly, i don’t remember his voice, his face.

i cried. a lot. when the lights turned off for the night, i would wrap myself in the blankets and let the tears pour out, muffling any sounds with the blankets. i didn’t let anyone know.

a month later, two weeks after my mother returned, my mom was driving me to school. she told me she was flying back home as soon as possible, as her grandfather had gotten the “death rattle”, and was facing death, with only days, hours, and minutes left.

that evening, i came home with two friends, pumped for a concert that night. as we put all our bags in my room, my mom came in and told me she was leaving the next morning-her dad had passed.

i couldn’t cry then and there. i had guests. i couldn’t cry the next day, or the next day, or any day, as i was supposed to be the strong one, helping my dad take care of my little brothers. i didn’t cry. i haven’t cried at all between when i heard of his death up until now. i didn’t cry when i was flipping through photos my brother took while visiting and came across some, with his smiling face, 0% body fat, and skeletal figure. i didn’t cry when my mom held up his picture when we were talking on skype yesterday. 

now i’m crying. i haven’t told anyone how much this has hurt me, how much it pains me to have to control my tears. i’m a teenage boy. i’m not supposed to have emotions. i’m not supposed to cry. i’m not supposed to be weak or vulnerable or compromised. i guess that’s why i couldn’t tell anyone. now my dry spell is over, i feel better, i guess. it’s just relieving to know someone else knows what i’m going through, even though they don’t know who i am. thanks for reading this.
that sounds like it’s really hard and i am very sorry. i think it sucks that you had to hold in your feelings until now. all of these messages are weirdly similar to things going on in my own life. i’ve been talking a lot recently with people i know about how guys are trained to hold back their feelings and aren’t allowed to cry. even though sexism is the oppression of women, people don’t understand that it has huge negative effects on men as well. i don’t want to go off and start lecturing you, but i think that this is very important to know and recognize. holding in your feelings and feeling like you had to support the family seems like it was really painful. you are a teenage boy. you shouldn’t have to support your whole family without any support for yourself or be so restricted in your emotions. it sucks that boys have to deal with this. i recognize that. and i keep it in mind always. (i really do. see how i was saying these messages are weirdly coincidental?) well, i’m glad you realized these things and i’m glad you feel good about telling someone. if it’s not too hard you might also feel good to tell your family these things. i don’t know you of course, but it seems like a good idea to me. you don’t even have to consider it though. i hope you feel better. and i hope you don’t continue to shut off your emotions, but instead keep processing them and maybe even ask for some support. good luck.

Hello, i’m Ally. :D (my tumber = http://allyrawr14.tumblr.com/) I’m going to randomly say something to you, because idk…xD

But hello, i’m Ally, i just watched Orphan and realized i may be an alcohlic when i get older..
hey ally. i will check your tumblr later. sorry, i’m in the middle of watching snl right now. (it’s 12:11 here) orphan sounds really weird based on what i’ve heard of it. did you realize you might be an alcoholic later from watching orphan or was it a separate thought? maybe if you realized it now you might be able to prevent it? ? don’t give up if that’s the case.